You’re doing it wrong (but so is everyone else)

I’m having a bad morning. Actually, I’ve been having a bad morning since April 24th, 2016, when I got back from a 3 week bodywork training and realized I was hideously behind…in everything.

Bills weren’t paid. My car brakes were shot. My website wasn’t done. My wedding wasn’t planned. My taxes weren’t filed. Emails weren’t answered. The house was a disaster. My studio basement was (still) half finished. Food wasn’t prepped for the week.

Chicken little. The sky is falling and my life is crashing down with it.

No matter how much I scrambled (and oh how I scrambled), I couldn’t catch up. I never realized how close I lived on the edge. Always doing things in the smallest window of time and always trying to do too much at once.

Actually, that’s a lie. I actively and purposely live on the edge, because I’m a type A control freak in recovery – but when I walked away from everything for 3 weeks, I returned to 300x the work and I had no one to blame, but myself.

Everywhere I looked I saw reminders of my ill-planned actions and choices.

Why didn’t I better allocate money for 3 week trips, rainy days and an unforeseen car problems?

Why didn’t I speak up when I saw the beginning of (insert numerous problems here) when working with a vendor?

And when I finally had a moment to spare away from clients and meetings (i.e. actually catch up) why did I spend it poking around the internet doing mindless things?

…because I’m freaking tired and at no point – not before after or during the 3 week training, have I given myself permission to stop and breathe.

Right now, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get it right. In fact, the harder I try, the worse it gets.

I’m teetering on the edge of burnout. I’m in an awful mood and it’s taking every bit of self-control I have not to lash out at people who don’t deserve my frustration and anger.

It needs to stop.

I need to stop.

I don’t feel like I have time, because I won’t give myself any time…to recover + reset and the little moments I’ve taken haven’t been enough – clearly, because one moment I’m seeing red and the next I’m sitting on my (still cluttered) living room floor crying.

The truth is that as much as I hate to be wrong, effing up is part of the human condition.

And if you’re running a business/trying to grow as a human/testing your physical, mental or emotional boundaries, then you are definitely doing it wrong, because you’re forever in a learning curve of trying to figure out a better way to do things.

Because it’s impossible to always get it right and there’s no one perfect right way to do anything (Trust me, I googled it. No dice.)

Not to mention most learning happens by making a mistake or working through a moment of confusion.

We’re all trying. We’re all doing our best. Sometimes we are going to fall short. Sometimes we are going to let other people down. Sometimes other people are going to let us down. And we’re going to have to forgive them or at the very least work with them to get a better outcome.

And in that whole messy process, we’re going to have to forgive ourselves, swallow our pride and consider asking for help, which is kinda scary and completely infuriating, particularly if you’re a perfectionist, control freak in denial #guilty

But when we hit that wall, we have a choice. We can choose to be paralyzed by frustration, overwhelm and fear and quit or implode…

Or we can take a breath and continue forward knowing that we’ll continue to make mistakes, but the only way to progress is action.

1…2…3…

inhale…

exhale…

and go.

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